2004-11-18 - 1:00 a.m.
So here it is. Possibly. An update. really. Maybe. I might get distracted, so I apologize in advance.
I've got a beer in me on an empty stomach (again) and I'm not up for typing my senior thesis paper.
I'm a senior in college now. It hardly seems possible. I have aboslutely no idea what I want to do when I graduate (May 14th, 2005) but I'm not as worried as I should be.
I suppose I'm not worried because my major has allowed me to be flexible. My stepmom thinks I'm moving back in anyways so I don't have to fight to go from my apartment back home for a while.
The apartment I'm living in now is great. It's worked out ten times better then I ever expected, and about thirty times differently then I expected. I get along well with kaitlyn and tim, and hardly spend any time at all with April. I miss April...but the more we have both matured as people the different we've become. It always seems to happen. I still love her to pieces of course...shes an amazing person and I know she and Matt will be great together and be amazing parents. In 2 years when she works off her grant/loan things. I'll be her bridesmaid this coming september and she assures me that in two years once her debts are paid off to the university she will become "a baby machine." there will be cute little island kids. and ill hopefully visit. realistically? probably not. which is too bad, it really is. but i have no idea how our relationship is going to be when she goes back home. umf seems to be the only thing we have in common anymore and it's terrible. i miss our friendship form when we first met. i have no idea what changed.
me appearently.
i think what hurt april and i the most is when I didn't tell her about chris. For goodness sakes, I didn't tell myself about Chris for a long time. I didn't want to admit that i had feelings for him; and now when I go back and look at what happened...I'm embarassed at my own behavior. And I'm sorry for everything that happened the way it did and for all the people who were hurt and everything that went wrong because both Chris and I are selfish and we are both stubborn, and bullheaded and refuse to see what we are doing...etc.
If I had ben up front with her, if I had been upfront with myself...there could be more between her and I. But in a way, I think there would be less between him and I. And i don't know how that makes me feel. I was always the biggest supporter of not leaving your friends for someone who provides you with physical intimacy...but again and again i have never let her know that part of my life. she didn't know about jack, matt or chris. other people always knew before her and im sure that was what hurt us the most. if i had been honest with her from the beginning, then i think my life would be a lot more figured out.
i lied to her because she was the closeest person to my life. and if i lie to her, i lie to myself and i can pretend that maybe it's not true. maybe im not doing the awfu lthings i know i am really up to. the closed doors. the convenient roomates who never hung around on the weekends and some that were never around at night at all.
the best year i had away from men was when i had a clingy roomate who never left unless i did. and i still destroyed our friendship by not telling her i was spending the night at the neighbors. she woke up and i wasnt there but she knew i was next door...and we never talked about and were never the same again. i should have known then that i shouldn't hide anything from april unless i wanted what changed between lauren and i to be the same with april.
but i keep hiding and i keep losing people.
kevin said it best today: "shouldn't you guys be celebrating a year? 16 months? where's the ring?"
for christsakes..chris and i dont go back that far. and he and i will never make it that far. he told me the other day he's going to start telling people we're getting married just so that we know someday this relationship would end. scott said it was a good idea; otherwise it would never end. whatever, i guess i don't care either way at this point.
regardless at what people think they know...chris and i have not been together very long. we've always gotten along wonderfully. we're great friends. we work really really well together..except as of late. we're both stressed and he's leaving soon so...i diunno. crazy stuff I guess.
i think the beer is wearing off.
so after i graduate, what am i doing?? taking a year off.
law school is my new thing. im thinking about taking the LSATs. My dad will have a fit if i actually plan on doing this.
ill change my mind im sure. how many majors have i had? how many minors? how many career choices?
i can always go back and get my teaching certificate.
i dont care anymore. this update is ending because i dont quite know how to update a jounral that hasnt been truly updated in quite a few years of my life when so much about me has changed.
i cut off all my hair. i wear red glasses all the time that match my red hair. i dont know where the red hair came from...but it is more reddish brown then what it was in HS. If you knew me in high school and havent kept up with me personally...i dont think you'd know me know.
I run the largest college radio station in maine. i speak in front of 96 dj's every two weeks and have various committee meetings almost every day of the week. my ego has inflated past capacity which is my real reason for not caring about anything anymore. farmington has been conquered and im ready for a new challenge. when everyone asks you what to do or wont do anything unless you tell them...when most people know your name...well...hell...they think they already know me, they judge me by what they hear, anything i say to them won't change what they think...what is left for me here? im getting my degree and getting out.
i need to get lost in another state.
i need to go back to london.
London.
oh i miss it. and im not trying to be artsy, cool or whatever. it was the most amazing experience...and if i could live there i would. let me. i'd eat at upper crust three days a week. ride a subway that is perfectly clean without one trashcan. goddamn sexy accents and a museum at ever corner bigger then the town i got to school in.
i need to go to bed and not daydream about what i may never see again
germany is next on my list any. ich spreche sie Duetshce jetzt. nicht sehr gut, aber OK. if i could spell the words correectly, that might helkp too.
g'night
