2006-01-23 - 8:58 p.m.
I'm not in the same mood I was in when I really wanted to write this entry...but I'm going to try to get this down. I really want to come back and expand on all of this - but I don't have that much faith. I did however break out my old microcassette recorder incase I have a bout of inspiration but can't get to a computer. (while driving for instance.)
I've been feeling off lately. Like I'd rather be a recluse than call my friends, hang out with people who care about me. I didn't feel like dealing with anything real.
So of course I started dreaming about Farmington.
I wanted to go back to the place where people were always happy to see me, or needed me for something, or thought I was better than who I am just because they didn't know enough about me. I wanted to be mysterious again...maybe mysterious isn't the right word...but I wanted to be in a place where people didn't know any better than to be fooled by my silly charms.
In school I would walk into the office and I was important. People asked me for answers, they wanted my opinion. I was expected to be places, not to take notes to type up and have other people use. I would take notes to explain things to the DJs. And whether they liked me (few did) or not (most didn't) they still came to the meetings, they did their shows. It was just such a great experience all around to know all of these people. All of this energy for one thing. I wanted to be around my "friends" that I missed so much.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you were friends with Kevin." -Aaron.
How easily everyone forgets I guess. Completely awful. My homecoming. My nothing. Sometimes I forget I don't really have a home anymore.
Kevin seemed happy to see me. And surprised, but he was genuine about it. It was really good to see him too. He was never one of those people who I thought I would lose touch with so quickly. We always seemed to have such an easy time getting along. There wasn't a weird getting-to-know-you part of the friendship...we just were. Without pretense. I hope only good things for him, and I know he'll find happiness somewhere. We both know it won't be in Farmington. I think it's impossible to find happiness there. If you stay in Farmington, you die on the inside. Everything is fake. Everyone is hollow. You won't find anything real until you leave that town.
Real is memories of people. Real is keeping in touch with people you care about. Real is not being friends with someone only because you live close to them and have some of the same friends.
Erika and I are a great example. We continue to have a lasting friendship, despite all the shit we've been through and done to each other. We've both changed, grown up and become different people. But we've stayed in touch. And I am very, very greatful for it because she is just fabulous.
I got so caught up in the feeling. Wanting to be back in Farmington. I think the main reason Chris wanted me to go was because I told him "I miss being adored." He knew I needed a reality check. And I got it.
Fake smiles, people pretending they were happy to see me. No one caring I was up there. Tonight, it doesn't matter. I have my real friends now, and I know who cared about me enough to remember. It's sad when you think of how little actually do. About anyone.
