2003-09-06 - 8:47 p.m.
I am so tired. Already. It feels like i've been back here forever, and i know it's just going to get worse/better. I've had some good times, but hell, i feel invisible. At a school that is mainly women, I end up working with mostly men. And while i'd rather work with the male gender, it can get awkward with 5 guys, one girl, and a bunch of jokes, ya know what im saying without saying? I just feel like when I walk away, they start talking shit about me. Whatever I guess, ill get over it. No use worrying over something that might not even be happening.
There is so much work this semester. I came back to my room instead of staying at the dance tonight to do some work - but as you see im not doing it. I might. im just not into it right now. i really need to vent and unload, without loading onto someone else.
I hate how up here, im nothing to anyone. Back home, people seem happy to see me most of the time. But here? It's just, oh, its you. not, oh! its you! And i hate how im so insecure about it all. HOw it shouldnt matter, and it usually doesnt. but sometimes it just hits me. like now, how i can hear the dance from my window, but if i go, ill just watch from the dj booth. and i dont even feel right there. im not djing, and im not friends with the guy who is djing (anymore....) i guess i just want somewhere to go, and im just stuck in my room with piles of homrwoek and self pity. and theres really no need of that.
i guess ill just have something to eat, do some work, then enjoy my time tearing down with the guys. man..i need to perk up...haha. sorry, lame ass rant tonight folks. maybe next time will be exciting. g'night
